A Taste of IVF Over 40

Archive for the ‘Attempt 2 – IVF’ Category

Yesterday my miracle didn’t come.  My HCG blood test level was only 2.  My husband rang me and I had a good cry on the phone.  He was such a darling when he told me.  I drank half a bottle of wine last night (my husband had the other half – well, OK I had more than he did).  Bad idea!  I have a hangover today AND I conveniently got my period/AF this morning to rub it in good and proper. 

My IVF specialist rang me later in the day to say he wanted to remove my polyp next week.  I guess I’ll be back in the swing of things pretty soon after that – he knows that I am seriously running out of time.  I’ve put my ‘big shoes’ on and so I am now pulling myself together and reassessing my options. 

QUESTION:  If you are able to help me make a decision, I’d be grateful.

We have two frozen embryos.  I’m thinking of asking my doctor to leave them frozen and stimulate me again asap.  I am 40 years old and I know my eggs are on their last legs.  The cycle I just had seemed to give me four good embryos out of six eggs.  I’d rather harvest my eggs whilst I still have them, keep trying with fresh embryos, and keeping growing my stash of frozen embryos.  I am 40. Once my eggs become too poor to use, if I am not pregnant, I can then start on the frozen embryos.  WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I am nearing the end of my two week wait.  I have about an hour to go I reckon.  They’ll call me soon.  This will be, of course, to confirm what five home pregnancy tests have already told me (and my husband does not know about a single one of them) – that I’m not pregnant.

The phone just rang and I didn’t answer it.  I hope they ring my husband at work.  I am a chicken and I am so sad.   And yet, I am still holding out for a miracle.

Crushed. 

Okay.  I am not pregnant.  I am due for my blood test tomorrow and just this morning my home pregnancy test (HPT) again showed that I am not pregnant.  It is about 13 days, or two weeks, since the embryos were transferred.  I’m expecting my period anytime soon.

You know, I think it is a good idea doing the home pregnancy test first.  I will actually be OK on the phone tomorrow when they tell me.  I doubt I will miraculously become pregnant between now and tomorrow morning.   I no longer feel insane.  I have some clear information (five pregnancy tests in four days) and so I have settled, even if the news isn’t what I wanted to hear.

I’ll post the official blood test outcome tomorrow but my next step is to seek out a new plan of attack from my IVF doctor.  I have no time to waste and I am keen to see how soon he will get me back in the system.  I am physically feeling fine.  Just beaten up mentally – but I’m ready for round two.

Okay, I have avoided writing this but it’s the truth.  I have not done anything for the last four days.  Nothing.  No work; nothing constructive.  Just simple tidying up around the house – about half an hour a day.  Otherwise, I have been watching TV and surfing the internet to either keep distracted or feed my compulsion for information.  Anything to make me feel better.  Any article or statistic that offers to improve my odds.

I bought a home pregnancy kit a few days ago.  It was one that contained two tests.  I used one this morning and it was negative.  I am considering redoing the test tomorrow and then buying another one and testing myself each day until the actual blood test.  I have read every article, blog and forum entry Google could muster on why it’s not a good idea to do this.  But there you go.  I caved.  It seems any information is better than none. 

A week ago I would have said that to do this was stupid.  Well, look what happens to you when you go through this.  The test I did of course means nothing.  So why did I do it?  I didn’t even admit it to my husband.

I finally had my shower today at 5:00pm – I spent the entire day in my pyjamas.

I know I will be shattered if the result of my blood test is negative in three days’ time. 

I spent about half an hour this afternoon flicking through a baby goods catalogue.  I picked out my pram, cot, bottles and even considered the nursery theme.  I even selected two of each outfit – one for each twin.  Of course I didn’t order them.  But it gets me thinking … am I turning into one of those women who steals babies?

I have become irrational and to top it all off I can’t have a nice relaxing glass (or three) of red wine.  That sucks.

I AM insane.

My mind has left my body and I am simply a walking shell … waiting until Monday.  My husband has been so understanding, I’m very lucky.

Three more days to go until I find out if I am pregnant.

I have finally found a detailed description of what happens to an embryo after it is inserted: http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/reprint/13/8/2107.pdf 

Ah … I can now make myself a cup of relaxing decaf tea.  Hmmm … what am I supposed to worry about now?  Back to the old chromosomal abnormalities I suppose.  

I have found a very good blog for information about IVF and infertility: http://www.healthline.com/blogs/infertility/2006_11_01_infertility_archive.html  The entries in the archives answer some of our common questions in a little more detail. 

Mind you, I still don’t completely understand why the embryos don’t fall out before they embed, but in an effort to appear smarter than I am I shall continue to scour the internet for a satisfactory understanding.  It’s not that I don’t believe it – I just want to know ‘how’.   Maybe I am truly too bored and anxious.  My husband is out of town and now I am alone 24/7.  It’s quite nice usually – I love solitude.  However, it’s the last thing I need right now with my impending insanity.