A Taste of IVF Over 40

Posts Tagged ‘ivf

I hate the not-knowing.  I caved (again!) and got a negative home pregnancy test this morning.  I am home alone and the insanity got to me.  Plus, what harm can it do. It was like eating bad tasting chocolate if you get my drift.

Anyway, having said that … I have good news!  I have discovered the best website I have ever seen to discuss and demonstrate embryonic development.  It is here. There’s also another one which is fairly good here.  Doesn’t the two week wait generate such a craving for knowledge?

Really, what did you expect?  I had to do something and so surfing the net for “timeline of embryo development secretion of hcg” made perfect sense (don’t you think!!?). He hee.

My husband is out of town for four days (but he gets back tonight) and I am absolutely going nuts!!  I didn’t fall asleep until after 2:am this morning because I kept telling myself over and over again all this stupid stuff (you can imagine).

Anyway, check out the links above; you won’t be sorry xx

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Still waiting, waiting, waiting.

HRT: I’m still taking Progynova tablets (3 x 2mg/day) and the Progesterone pessaries (2 x 400mg/day).  These progesterone pessaries are way cooler than the Crinone pessaries, and a lot stronger.  I wonder if it is the progesterone that is making my boobs tender.  I’ve never had tender boobs from the IVF hormones.  These pessaries are a little wax capsule.  The wax melts away after a few minutes leaving the progesterone behind.  I think the Progynova makes me nauseous but the nurse reckons it shouldn’t.  But it’s just a light nausea; not too bad.  I’ve had it on and off for the last two or three weeks.

HPT: Still waiting.  Oh.  I hate this.  Do you think I should do a home pregnancy test yet?  I’m pacing up and down.  I went to bed really early last night simply because I just can’t handle the ‘not-knowing’.  When I was a kid, my Mum always used to say, “The quicker you get to sleep the quicker Santa will come”.  I just want to sleep until my results come through.   I do this every time.  I hit this 2ww wall.  Actually, it’s not a wall.  Well, if it was a wall the two week wait would be a wall made of marshmallow.  And it’d be about two weeks’ thick. 

FROZEN EMBRYO: The best news is that the third (grade three) embryo made it to the freezer.  All hope is not dashed if this is not successful.

It’s hard doing IVF.  It’s hard using donor sperm.  It’s harder using donor eggs. And no-one knows.  No-one in real life (IRL) anyway.

  1. This blog is anonymous. 
  2. No-one knows who I am. 
  3. I can say things that my husband wouldn’t understand.
  4. I can say things that would frustrate my husband.
  5. My parents don’t know I’m going through all this.
  6. My friends IRL don’t know I’m going through all this.
  7. My clinic isn’t a friend; it’s a clinic.
  8. The nurses at my clinic are lovely but they are so busy; too busy to have a cup of tea and a chat.
  9. I’m not a touchy-feely type of person but my blog helps me to express my feelings.
  10. I feel better when I blog.
  11. I’ve made a heap of great friends online (that I will sadly never meet).
  12. My online friends give me the support I need when my cat doesn’t quite meet the mark.
  13. Blogging is like a medicine that doesn’t harm embryos (although you need to watch out – it’s addictive!).
  14. Blogging is your friend when you can’t sleep at 1:00am.
  15. Blogging is like having a Tupperware party with a heap of girlfriends who know what you’re going through – without the Tupperware … or the party.
  16. It’s educational.
  17. My online friends don’t try and preach to me in my blog.
  18. My online friends don’t try to be experts when they respond to my posts.
  19. My online friends share my pain and genuinely feel my happiness.
  20. I can wear my pyjamas and still sound clever and witty.
  21. I might not have showered all day and no-one knows!
  22. I can be as beautiful as you like or as ugly as you like and no-one cares.
  23. I can cry while I’m typing and people know that I am sad.
  24. When I’m sad, people online make me feel better.
  25. It’s like a group of friends all huddling around me.
  26. I check my blog as soon as I come home and last thing before I go to bed.

I am so glad that I have this blog.

Eight (8) follicles – not 12, not 14, not 18.

  • Here is where we remind ourselves that it’s all about quality, not quantity.
  • Here is where we remember that these are 23 year old eggs; not 41 year old eggs.
  • Here is where we consider that there should be a high fertilisation rate.

Positive thinking … that’s all I’ve got. 

I accompanied my niece to her nurses visit at the clinic yesterday.  I felt so darn bad/mean/helpless/useless/sad when I saw the little bruises on her little belly from the nasty needles.  Really!  I felt like such a USER!  It is very humbling. 

I feel so sorry for Andi.  I don’t know what I’ll do if this doesn’t work out.  I feel SO sorry for Andi.  I’m not even ready to imagine what it would be like to be in her position.  The poor girl’s situation has really jolted me into reality and so I am trying to be positive.  Andi, you have my best wishes.

First I had to give up hope of falling pregnant ‘naturally’.  Then I had to give up hope of using my husband’s sperm.  Then, I (finally, after a pretty good fight) gave up the hope of using my own eggs.  If I am destined to discover that even my donor’s eggs haven’t worked … wow!  Ouch.  I don’t know if I am ready to go there. 

Positive thinking … that’s all I’ve got today. 

I am also hoping and praying for the Evil Stepmonster, who has had an incredibly hard and long journey. She will find out her results in a few short days.

Where do I start with this post?

I have had a rough coupla weeks.  The gloss has fallen off the process just a little.  I haven’t even wanted to say it because it felt so bad.  I’ve almost been depressed – and for no apparent reason seeing as how things are still going ahead beautifully.

This is what happened.

My niece rang me about two weeks ago to let me know she had had a thought about her eggs (good to know she’s thinking about this lots, I thought). She said she knew that there was a chance that her fertility could be affected by the IVF procedure (the counsellors make a point of going over this very, v e r y thoroughly).  She said that because of this threat she was wondering if it was possible to perhaps split the eggs up between her and me so that she had some spare in case she did become infertile (this is where I almost fainted).

Now, I’m not a greedy person.  But I tell you what, I felt like I wanted to grab up all the eggs and run away into the hills with them.  And I would’ve, if they’d have been sitting on the table between the two of us.

This brings up the issue of how much emphasis should the counsellors place on the possibility of someone’s fertility being affected by the IVF process.  My goodness, the chances are so slim … I don’t think any one of us IVFers even noticed anyone tell us that there was a chance of that happening.  It’s like the disclaimer they tell you before you go in for a general anaesthetic … “some people never wake up from a GA”).  Why should they spend more than a few minutes on the possibility of something like this going wrong when the chances are so slim?  Yeah, yeah, I know … they are being super-thorough.  They like to make sure the donor is prepared for the worst.

Now, to make the waters murkier, my lovely niece (who only wants to do the right thing) has aquired a new boyfriend who seems very, very nice.  This relationship has all evolved since she decided to be my egg donor.  My niece said she’d like to mix some of the eggs with her new boyfriend’s sperm (two weeks ago she said all this … my head has still not recovered).

My response to her tested all the skills I have as a professional facilitator and coach.  I managed emotional control (somehow) and I gave her a response any counsellor would be proud of.  The whole conversation just left me feeling like my dream-come-true had a black lining – that I still didn’t deserve to get my wish without pain.

Now, my niece is still an angel.  She was doing the right thing.  She was expressing her opinion and asking a question.  Exactly what I would encourage her to do if I was her friend. Shit!

My response … I said that there was always the possibility that they could split up the eggs.  Nothing is impossible.  If it was something she really wanted to do then it was certainly worth considering.  I was thinking things like “Who would get the ‘best’ eggs?”, and “What if there weren’t very many eggs?” 

I told her that it would most likely delay the process by several months as there would need to be another round of counselling for all of us, this time including her new boyfriend.  His sperm would have to be tested, his blood, his medical background … I was pretty crushed at this stage – I felt like my dream was slipping away.

I am very, very certain that I want this whole experience to be a good one for my niece.  She is a lovely girl and she wouldn’t want to hurt a fly.  It was a very valid question.

After about 20 minutes on the phone, and the dinner I was cooking was slightly wrecked, I still finished the conversation on a positive by telling her that she should definitely be sure that she thinks and feels that she is doing the right thing. 

I asked her if she would just do one thing for me, “Please do me a favour and just think about this for a couple of days.”  I asked her to think about it long and hard.  I knew that if she did change her mind I would still probably get pregnant but not until several months had passed.

I know I am probably over-reacting but I just can’t seem to be excited any more.  I cried for two days after her phone call and I’ve just not recovered; I can’t get excited now.  I can see that it was too good to be true.  I am paranoid that my journey is to be fraught with danger and pain.  Now you can see why I have put off writing this post.  I’ve been wishing that my mood would change but I can’t not update this blog!  And I can’t pretend it didn’t happen.  Sorry I’m being such a ‘wuss’ (Australian term meaning ‘chicken-shit’).  But what the hell am I supposed to do with the next 40 years if I don’t get pregnant!!?  Seriously.

In the end, and after a couple of days, she said that after thinking about it she was happy to continue on as planned.  I’ve spoken with her many times since and I am convinced that she is still quite OK and excited by it all.  I also spoke to her mother, my sister.  My sister has convinced me that my niece is absolutely fine with everything and that it was just a question she had.  One thing hasn’t changed and that is my respect for this girl.  OK, she didn’t think about it thoroughly before calling me but I like to think that that is because she trusts me and respects my knowledge – she wanted my help with her question.

My niece started her injections yesterday and I am on Progynova – 6mg a day.  She’s arriving on Monday – the day after I turn 41.  Loveliest birthday present. Her boyfriend is coming to Melbourne at the same time to support her with the whole experience.  I am still a very lucky lady ☼

OK.  This may be a bit premature but … Melbourne IVF’s lovely donor egg nurse just called me.  She is anticipating that all will be well with our psych Assessment Outcome on Thursday. 

All going well, she wants us to start the Synarel on Friday.

☼ Friday ☼

Oh boy.  Oh boy. Oh boy. 

I could be pregnant in a month or so.  AND I am in with a real chance!  Not my eggs; not my husband’s sperm.  But our own child.  I am so excited.

I have to go now and sit down with a cup of tea.

I’ve been waiting.  I am a “mother-in-waiting” (well, sort of!).

My niece just had a second appointment with the counsellor and an appointment with a psychiatrist (on the same day to accommodate her flights).  Additionally, my husband and I meet with the counsellor again tomorrow.

Then we wait on THE verdict … whether or not we are all “good to go”.  In other words, does Melbourne IVF, its doctors and counsellors, think the three of us are confident, comfortable, informed, rational, etc. and able to pull this off. 

I hope so.  I think so.  We find out for certain in just a few days.  I am apprehensive, yet quietly confident.

I understand the required amount of detail and the level of thoroughness.  Of course we need to make sure that in forty years’ time the three of us still feel that this decision was the right one.

I changed the style of my blog.  Instead of an olive green it is now a bright green!  In keeping with a brighter future for me I hope!