A Taste of IVF Over 40

Well, I just took my first dose of clomiphene.  Two tablets each 50mg.  I start the Gonal-F injections tomorrow - only 300 iu this time.

My cat and dog are getting along very well nowadays.  The kitten loves the dog and often wants to play with him.  She runs up and flings her body into the air in front of him … sooo cute.  The Border Collie isn’t so much into the cat but he has looked like he wanted to play with her a couple of times.  Time will tell. 

I’m so very glad I got the kitten.  She has been such good comfort and company during some tough times.  Mind you - I wish she was more prompt at cleaning her butt after she goes in her kitty litter!  I hope she gets better at that as she gets older!

On another note.  The clinic rang to say that they’ve run out of the sperm I was using and they can’t track down the donor so we’ll have to choose another one.  Today they said a selection is in the mail to me (deja vu) so I have only a matter of an hour in which to read them and choose a sperm donor.  This is because they need to have a donor confirmed tomorrow - before they’ll start me on the cycle.  Wish they’d had this planned a little earlier!  It’s been a week since I saw the doctor.

Well, that envelope better arrive.  If I don’t have a choice made tomorrow they’ll have to cancel the cycle.  That is so not going to happen.  I’ll drive into the city and collect the profiles myself if it will help.

I’m so excited!  I could be pregnant in four weeks! Yay!

Clomiphene.  That’s my new protocol. 

The trouble is that I’ve heard a few horror stories about what it’s like to be on clomid.  Well, I’m gonna find out myself now, and between you and me, I’m a bit excited.  Another tactic.  Another chance to produce better eggs. 

I start the clomid three days after my next period begins.  I’ll know more once I’ve spoken to the nurses on day one.  And believe me, I’ll be getting as much information about this new protocol as I can from them so I can type it here.

It feels like I have new hope.

I never wanted to create a new category on this blog but I have … “Attempt 5″. 

Well, it could be short lived.  I’ve got an appointment with my IVF doctor on the 24th June and he could tell me that it’s all a waste of time now.  Hmmm.  What to do.  I would like to commit to another year of trying with my own eggs.  Then, we’ll investigate egg donation.  Wish me luck!

Given my lack of success, what questions do you think I should be asking him?

Ah well.  It’s back to the clinic for me.  I got my period today.  Thank you so much for your support.  It means the world to me.

Oh Well.  Can you blame me?  I can’t help but want to know.  I am behaving strangely and I don’t care.  I stayed in bed for an extra hour and a half this morning just because I didn’t want to test.  It was another negative.  These Pregnow tests are really cheap ($1 each) and test 10mIU/ml of HCG.  My blood test is Monday.

Unless my doctor advises against it, I will be stimulating again as soon as possible.  I don’t have the luxury of time.  In my current frame of mind every month is ‘wasted time’.  Sick I know.  I’ve gotta get out of the doldrums and live my life.  Especially for my husband, bless him.  I think he feels like he’s married to a cardboard box lately (or should I say an empty carton of eggs!  Ha ha - I thought that was funny but no-one else is supposed to laugh).

Plan B: In Australia, we don’t have an egg donor program; you have to find your own egg donor.  My sister mentioned that her 22 year-old daughter may donate eggs to me and that I should consider asking her.  Blimey.  That’s one hell of a Plan B.

It has now been nine days since my eggs were collected and fertilised.  Seven days since the embryos were transferred. 

I tested this morning with a home pregnancy test … negative.  It was a very senstive test (10). 

I will test again tomorrow morning, and the next day, because I am obsessed (but cheerful)

Yet, apprehensive …

It’s a bit of an emotional roller-coaster.

My egg pickup on Saturday went well - I had 11 eggs - yay!  I was over the moon.

I turned up for my embryo transfer this morning to find that only two eggs had made it as far as four-celled embryos.  Devastated. 

Well, those two champions were transferred by my very nice doctor and are now inside me.  I was so shocked by the news that I couldn’t even hang around and speak to him about what happened.  I almost fled out of the consulting room when he was finished, holding back tears.  It was such a revolting feeling to walk out via the waiting room where plenty of other women were eagerly anticipating their transfers, and of course, I held my red eyes low as I assumed they would look at me wondering why I was bothering in the first place … at my age.

I can’t help but think that if nine of my eggs were so bad then why should these two that I’ve got inside me limp along any further than about eight cells.  The truth is that I’ve left it too late.  My good eggs have just about run out.

So much for the birth control pill.  So much for the high hormone dose.  So much for the acupuncture.  Aargh.

I have my Border Collie at my feet whilst typing this.  The kitten is on my desk hitting the buttons with me - very difficult to type straight :). 

The bright side is that I have two embryos inside me.  I have hope, a wonderfully supportive husband (the first thing he said was “Well, if this doesn’t work honey we can try again straight away”), and I have prayers.

I promise my next post will be happy and positive.  Like I said earlier … this will be my month!

Ha ha!  The kitten got too inquisitive about the Border Collie sleeping under the desk and FELL OFF the edge of the desk ONTO HIM!  What a calamity!  

Here are our two pets! 

William is the ever-responsible, insanely jealous dog and Tabatha is the new kitten who just wants to make friends.  We love them to bits!

Today’s scan revealed I have eight mature follicles and four little ones.  I will have my eggs collected this weekend.  I checked and the same sperm donor we used last time is still available so we’ll be using him again (a real-life angel). 

I thought I’d write down what my current views are on the following:

Acupuncture and IVF: Well, you know I haven’t done a full course of acupuncture; I only started three weeks ago.  However, so far so good.  My follicle count has improved - would you believe it is actually higher than when I first did IVF in my early 30’s.  However, one could remain sceptical when one takes a look at how well(?) my digestive system has been behaving since receiving acupuncture.  My digestive system has been behaving very *interestingly*, and my appetite has completely disappeared.  Great if I was trying to lose weight but, according to my acupuncturist, very, very bad if you are trying to have lots of energy for growing healthy eggs.  Also, I have no IVF whore-moane symptoms.  No bloating and not a single cramp, pain or headache … Is this the acupuncture?

Three Month Break with Birth Control Pill:  This caused me such angst.  I was ever so worried that my last few fertile months are being filled with wasted time, by going on the pill for almost a month.  However, this could well be an attributor to the above positive outcome with the follicle count.  Although one must remember that this is precisely what I did last time when I only got six follicles.  I think next time I will actually be a lot calmer about taking the BCP.

Limit of Two Embryos Transferred for Over 40’s: This stinks.  In Australia, the story is that you can only have two embryos transferred.  Full stop.  This is a good policy to save having triplets.  But really.  What are my chances of triplets?  I’m using my own 40 year-old eggs!!  My IVF doctor disagrees; he thinks that it is possible I could become pregnant with triplets using my own eggs.  Well, we both have our own opinions.  We can agree to disagree and then we’ll do what he says we are going to do :-).  Regardless, I think it’s out of his hands.

Introducing new Kittens to 7-year-old Border Collies:  What a catastrophe.  William is soooo jealous.  Tabatha just wants to be friends but he hates her.  He pretends to like her but he snapped at her last night.  BAD DOG!  Oh well, it is still early days.  My opinion?  Get them both together when they are babies!  Cutie-pie photos coming soon!

OK I now know why I don’t have any symptoms.  My follicles, even though I have been on 450 iu of Gonal-F for several days, are only very small.  I have to take the injections for a few more days.  I’ll have another scan on Tuesday.  The good news is that I have 10 follicles forming.  That’s better than the six follicles last time.  Let’s hope they stay put.

The best news is that I have my kitten!  Her name is Tabatha.  She is gorgeous.  She is making me feel better.0——————————-p. 8888888888888888888888888u/999999999990000000009.  He he, Tabatha just walked across my keyboard.

The Synarel nasal spray is being particularly easy on me; I’ve had no headaches at all.  The 450 iu Gonal-F injections are pretty uneventful.  Argh.  Does this mean that they’re not working?  Well … thoughts like that do run through my mind! 

I am bracing myself for the bad news.  Yeah, I know it’s not very good positive-thinking but it’s called self-defence.

I’ll pick up my new kitten in a coupla days!  Yay!  Then I’ll stick up a photo of my Border Collie (William) and my Ragdoll (Tabatha)!  William is 7 years old and Tabatha is a 15 week old seal-point.  Oh, it is going to feel good to play with a little one of my own and hold it in my arms, even if it’s just a cat.

I’m so excited!  The lining of my uterus is thin and my ovaries are quiet.  I start my 450iu of Gonal-F injections tomorrow.  This is going to be my month!  I’m feeling very optimistic but unlike last time I am avoiding the baby aisles in the department stores.  Not doing that to myself again … 

Now the fun news, I’m getting a kitten!  A Ragdoll kitten!  Yay, I’m so excited.  This will really help with my cluckiness, and with keeping me warm this winter.  It will also help to take my mind off the two week wait.  My husband wants to call her Tabatha.  We will have the careful task of introducing her to our Border Collie!

I’ve had an interesting week.  I’ve been to the dentist, the podiatrist and the acupuncturist!  I thought about getting my botox refreshed but I’m frightened it’s (potentially) too close to getting pregnant.  I don’t want to risk it.  Maybe I’ll treat myself to botox after this cycle if it doesn’t work.

She started off by looking at my tongue.  Said I was low on energy, stressed and had a digestive problem. 

It was quick, easy and painless.  I didn’t have to undress.  I wore a tracksuit and she put needles into my tummy, ankles, ears, and forehead.  The ears and forehead are for reducing stress and the ankles are connected to my tummy (yes they are!).  Because I’m only about three weeks off the transfer date she said there was no need for Chinese herbs; just the acupuncture. 

My next session is booked for the morning of my scan on May 1st.  This is good timing so I can tell her what the doc says about how I’m lookin’ inside.

I’m going to try Chinese medicine!  It can’t hurt and I have nothing to lose.

Yep, I’ve read heaps of blogs where it hasn’t worked, and others where the women say that they think it made a big difference.

This place is all about helping women get pregnant with Chinese Medicine.  The statistics they show are interesting.  This document is full of stats and convincing benefits.  Sadly, they say you should ideally start three months prior to your IVF treatment.  Who cares, I’ll give it a go anyway.  Like I said it can’t hurt and I have nothing to lose … well, I hope it doesn’t hurt.

OK, I just made the appointment for 2:00pm today (that’s in about two hours).  Yes, they said that it would have been good to have gone in earlier and got started three months ago.  Anyway,  I’ll let you know how it goes.  Three weeks will have to be enough at this stage.  It’s $85 for the initial acupuncture treatment and then $70 each weekly treatment thereafter with treatments immediately before and after my egg transfer.

It makes such a difference when people take the time to add a comment to your blog, doesn’t it?  Thank you.  I’m thinking positively and not feeling sorry for myself.  What a sooky-bub.  So many people are going through the same sort of thing, and yet still being so helpful; angels on earth. 

I’m still taking the pill and I started my Synarel today.  I’m looking forward to the headaches because they’ll mean something is happening; yay!  My first scan appointment for this cycle is the 1st of May.  May will be my month.

Did I tell you?  This cycle is going to work because my doctor reckons there’s only about 365 days until my eggs run out.  Is that too negative? … OK I added a few days ‘cos I reckon my eggs are hot!  Not hot cooked, hot cool.  Oh.  How about “my eggs are beautiful“? 

Yep.

I am quietly freaking out. 

It has been six months since I first contacted this IVF clinic and I am only just about to start my second stimulated cycle.  I feel utterly helpless.  Why did I have to go on the pill and seemingly waste so much time?  I am in a cold sweat with worry.  It wouldn’t be so bad if I wasn’t so old.  It better work.

Two days until I start my Synarel nasal spray.

The Synarel is similar to Lupron, if that rings any bells. 

Instead of injecting it, you spray/sniff it up your nose and absorb it through the membranes in your nose.  It’s just a little spray bottle, like one you use when you have a cold or sinusitis.  I don’t know how the drugs differ and I guess doctors have a reason for prescribing one or the other.  Personally, I’d rather a convenient nasal spray as opposed to an injection any day.

The purpose of both is to supress ovulation.  They stop the pituitary gland from interfering with the follicle stimulating hormones, like Gonal-F, and releasing the LH surge that makes us ovulate (how to stuff up a cycle) - I read that here and here. 

Maybe they take a while to kick into gear because I take it from the week before I stop the pill until the day of my trigger injection.  I haven’t taken Lupron but I get the feeling from the articles that it’s similar timeframes.  I also read here that they both take a while to wear off and may affect your next cycle. 

I take one spray each morning and another spray each night.  Some women do get sore noses or sore throats but I don’t … I do get pretty intense headaches from it though.

Okey-dokey.  I am taking the pill until the 23rd of April.  I start my Synarel nasal spray on the 17th of April.  My first scan is the 1st May.  Then, things will get REALLY interesting! 

I am actually looking forward to taking my whoremoanes and turning into an irrational mad-woman.

And that’s a good thing

Nope, I’m not plunging straight into it; I have to take the pill.  I start it on Wednesday, then I’ll start the Synarel nasal spray, then the daily 450iu Gonal-f injections for however long.  That’s a fairly strong dose of Gonal-f.  Let’s see how my husband copes with that! 

I didn’t see the doctor today, just the nurse who took my blood (for the useless HCG test).  However, she was lovely and put my case forward to the doctor for me to start without the pill.  But the doctor was adamant I’d start with the pill. 

I’m feeling strangely teary.  I think it’s because I don’t really understand the full reason why I have to waste time (seemingly) by going on the pill.  I’m quite certain my clever doctor has no intention of wasting time or creating anything less than the best quality cycle achievable.  It’s because I don’t fully understand what the advantage of going on the pill is.  And I am fretting because I only have a year of good eggs left.  

I trust the huge doses of Gonal-f will make me create more than six eggs this time; another thing I’ll have to read about.

I can feel another Google search coming on

OK.  Today I feel sad.

I wonder, do I have to go on the pill for 3 or so weeks again before I start my next stimulation?  Do you have to do that every stimulation cycle?  It takes up so much valuable time.

Oh well.  It should be quite accurate - very sensitive test and 11dpo.  I’ll do it again tomorrow just for entertainment’s sake but now I’m looking forward to another stimulated cycle. 

I have absolutely no idea why I am almost detached from the process this time.  I am behaving completely differently from my last two week wait.  It might be because this was a completely natural cycle and there were no additional hormones added to my system.  It might be because I got so hurt last time I switched myself off mentally a bit.  Also, I never really believed it would work - faced the odds without the influence of hormones: over 40 using one thawed embryo. 

Still four days until my official HCG blood test - that’s like the most useless thing I can imagine doing.  The bright side?  Easy … the odds are up for other people who are currently waiting for their results. 

I hope the 20 pregnancy tests I ordered arrive today. 

It’s now 10 days since I ovulated and eight days since the frozen embryo was transferred.  I do not feel pregnant at all - not a symptom.  I have my official HCG blood test in another six days but I’ll definately know for certain by then.

This two week wait has been much easier.  I am not thinking pregnant.  To be honest, I had a beer last night.  I’ll let you know how my home pregnancy test goes as soon as I have a response. 

There’s so much conflicting advice here.  Some clinics say it doesn’t matter and others say it’s not a good idea.  This article says it may actually improve your chances of implantation!   http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/1058408.stm.  It’s not a new article.  Sadly, it still proves I am spending way too much time on the internet.

I have a 42yo friend who just found out that she’s pregnant (naturally), and she’s genuinely thrown.  Her world has changed; she didn’t want to have kids.  She is learning to deal with it.  I’m wondering if I feel sorry for her.  I do, a bit, I think.  Maybe.  I’m not sure because I know that she’ll most likely fall in love with it and eventually she’ll find that her life is richer.  Am I jealous?  Only a little bit.  Ask me again at the end of my 2WW when I am all depressed and self-pitying.

I’m waiting until the home pregnancy tests I ordered on the internet arrive.  Oh, and no I didn’t tell my husband I ordered them.  Consequently, I am quite certain that he does not read my blog because he would clearly have had something to say!  He is a sweetie … that was just in case

CYCLE UPDATE
I am 4dpo (2 days since my FET) and all is well. 

It’s funny you know (not funny ha-ha, funny strange). My doctor broke some bad news to me yesterday and said that only one of my two embryos had survived the thaw. I was like - “Oh well, at least we have the other one”. Why wasn’t I upset?

Now, if I had just emerged from a 2 week wait I’m sure I would have been much more upset, but there had been no build-up to this bad news. It’s like the 2 week wait gradually builds in intensity and then hits a crescendo at the end of the 14 days. You are so much more hopeful/delicate/irrational at the end - well, that’s what I’ve noticed about me.

The 2 week wait screws with your mind. It builds your hopes and dreams. It allows you a hint of family-fantasy. You just get so swamped with hope. Wouldn’t it be good if you could go into a deep sleep for 14 days and wake up and find out if you were pregnant - like only 10 minutes had passed. I KNOW that I would be a lot better off if you could do that … ahh, silly me again.

Of course, my chance of getting pregnant this cycle is now greatly reduced but I am very happy that the embryo that was transferred looks very good - grade 2 embryo - so said the scientist and the doctor. I am very proud of my 40 year old system. I seem to make good eggs, still. For a little while at least.

The blood test for my HCG level is on Monday the 31st march. This would put me at 14 days from the thawed embryo transfer and 16 days from ovulation.

This is a natural cycle and I tell you what, compared to an IVF stimulation cycle it is eerily calm. Everything is so normal. I don’t feel all ’suped up’ on whoremoanes and my body feels wonderful - not bloated or sore. I’m not taking anything. No hormones. Nothing - just waiting now.

Oh, and don’t think for a second that I won’t resort to a home pregnancy test. 
Are you mad??!!  I’ll be starting those in about a week! I have found a website where you can buy heaps at a time for next to nothing. http://www.fertilitynaturopath.com.  I just ordered 20 for $27.00.  Well? … it saved on the postage

The clinic rang me yesterday (whilst I was at the Melbourne Grand Prix - very noisy!) and told me to come in at 10:40am today for the transfer

Both embryos froze safely and I am wondering how well they will cope with the thaw. I understand that different clinics have different success rates with freezing and thawing embryos, depending on the techniques they use, and other things. It is my understanding that Melbourne IVF has a good success rate. So I am feeling very positive today.

Oh no. I know what this means … it just dawned on me. As of today I am about to start my TWO WEEK WAIT. Aaarghh. Anyone else want to join me?

Yay! My LH surge was this morning (on day 18 - right when it should have been - why all the panic?!).

I have an egg! Poor little wasted egg that no-one can do anything with.

Now I’m waiting for the clinic to ring me back and tell me when my frozen embryo transfer is. It is so much nicer waiting for a phone call like this as opposed to waiting for a phone call with HCG results.

In light of my recent post - the one where I was all self-pitying - I have been thinking a lot. I’ve been thinking about my husband. If there is one thing I have learned in my life, and from my IVF experiences, it is that you can never, ever, ever understand or imagine what someone else is going through when you have no experience of it - or, even if you do have experience of it - everyone reacts differently. People are so different. I can’t imagine what he must be going through. I mean it. I reckon I could give it a good guess but I couldn’t predict the emotions he must now have accepted as part of his life. I cannot imagine what he is facing, what he has faced since he found out he has absolutely no chance of being a biological father to a child. No chance at all - ever.

Really. At least I have a chance. How much moaning have I been doing about my predicament and all the time I’ve been thinking so infrequently about his situation. He consistently says he is fine, he’s not bothered, etc. However, I wonder what places he went through before he got to this ‘positive place’. In fact, I wonder how often he revisits those places.

It is now day 17 and I have not had my LH surge. I’ve only got one more LH test left (for tomorrow) and if that isn’t positive I’ll have to ring the clinic and get some more; they only gave me five.

I had no idea that this would take so long. I have always had a longish cycle - about 32-33 days. Now I remember back to all those times I tried to fall pregnant (pre-IVF) by simply making sure we ‘did it’ around day 14. Ha, ha … ha.

Ordinarily I would be frightened that I missed my ovulation altogether but the scan four days ago showed my IVF doctor that I had a follicle-behaving-nicely.

Help? Is it possible that the follicle just changed its mind and did not mature? Oh no. I can feel another Google search coming on. Why do I have to be so nosy?

It’s a new day.  And, I’m in a much more sensible frame of mind today.  The mad woman who wrote yesterday’s post is buried with her keyboard. 

To be honest, when I reviewed what I wrote yesterday I nearly choked on my muesli.

Currently I am testing for when I ovulate.  I’m now on day 16 - no surge today.  I never realised I ovulated so late - no wonder my cycles take so long.  This IVF stuff is so educational

How ungrateful can a woman get?   I can’t help feeling ripped off.  I feel like an absolute bitch for thinking this because so many people are going to so much effort to get me pregnant. 

Yet, I am thinking this.  I am feeling a mix of anger and self-pity today.  What a loser.  As I type this I can hear my conscience trying to balance out my thoughts - but it’s losing.

OK … Now the truth is there is nothing wrong with me.  Right now I am about to ovulate a healthy egg within my healthy reproductive system.  Yet I can’t get pregnant!!  

Noooooo.  I have to go through this whole IVF thing and get my eggs harvested and embryos put inside me.  With sperm from some guy I’ve never met.

Can you believe how tempting it is to entertain the idea of just walking up to some man and asking him to have sex with me?  Think of how much time and money I’d save.  I could have six kids by now.  AND it’d be a lot more fun.

Of course, in reality there’s no sense at all in thinking this way (well, I’m sure there won’t be in a couple of days - when I am over this).  My husband wishes to God that he could make me pregnant.  Well, I think he does.  How do I know?  Maybe deep down he’s grateful that we’re not having a baby so it doesn’t interfere with his retirement plans.  No, I don’t mean that; it’s certainly not his fault that he can’t make me pregnant.  But it did run through my mind.  Yesterday he even suggested adoption.  But we’re too old.  Well, he is.

How did this all start?  Well, I asked my IVF doctor yesterday how much time he thought I had left to fall pregnant with my own eggs.  I had to ask.  He said I’d have a reasonable chance for about another year. 

One. Year. 

And it’s not my fault.

I had my scan yesterday and all is good - I have a follicle developing.  I am waiting until I ovulate before my frozen embryos are transferred.  My IVF doctor wants me to test my urine each day for the luteinising hormone (LH) surge that occurs just prior to ovulation.  I’m to then contact the clinic so we can arrange a transfer time. 

Today is day 15 yet I still haven’t ovulated.  I expect it will still be another couple of days or so seeing as how my normal cycle is about 33 days.

I got my polyp out yesterday - everything went perfectly well.  I am 100% today and ready to take the IVF challenge once again 

OK - Contrary to (my) popular belief, I am not going on another stimulated cycle straight away.  I am getting my two frozen embryos put back in asap.  I asked my IVf doctor what he thought about keeping the frozen ones for later and stimulating me again asap.  I could have just asked him to go home for the day.  I would have got the same response!  Silly me. 

Now, it may have been the after-effects of the anaesthetic but I could have sworn he said he’d transfer the frozen embryos this month.  Well! I couldn’t be stimulated that quickly so, why not?  I’ll know in a month if it worked - no time lost at all.  I’m seeing him on Monday morning for a scan so he can make sure he’s happy to proceed.  And, they will be transferred directly after a D&C - that should help my chances, according to the article in my previous post!

I could be pregnant in four weeks! 

I have to admit that I didn’t ask him any of the questions I had on the list in my head - waking up from anaesthetic isn’t the time to structure clever sentences.  I’ll ask him on Monday.

My period ended today and now I am having severe cramping and light nausea.  Worse than any I have experienced at any time during my IVF cycle.  It’s not wind or constipation, I know that.  It’s really sore.  I’m gritting my teeth.  No idea.  I am going to go and lie down.  I am getting my little polyp out in the morning (and I know it’s not that).  … ouch this is weird.  Maybe my system is still recovering from all the hormones.

Outstanding!  This article says there is an enhanced opportunity for implantation immediately following the removal of a polyp or a D&C: http://www.infertilitysolutions.com/thoughts_polyps.html.

I am secretly asking myself “Why on earth am I still on the internet?!!”.  My secret answer is that I cannot seem to get enough information about all this IVF stuff.  I may ask for a job at my clinic!

Now, seeing as how I am getting my polyp out in two days, I shall be asking my IVF doctor what his opinion is on this information.  Am I lucky to have a small polyp that’s about to come out?  I’ll let you know!  Anyone else have any information about what they’ve experienced with polyps or D&Cs?

I am feeling happy, strong and healthy again.  You know I think the hormones are at least 50% of the reason I felt so scared and helpless during the last few days of my two week wait.  I was irrational!  The other 50% was probably due to the fact that I didn’t have enough distractions.  I feel pretty good again now.  I’m positive, but not as naively optimistic as I was.  As of today I feel a lot less lethargic - although I firmly believe the lethargy I’ve been experiencing is mostly mental because if I am distracted and if I am feeling good about myself - there is no lethargy. 

My IVF doctor is pretty wonderful, I think.  When I had my last embryo transfer I couldn’t help but say to him how fortunate I felt and how lucky I was that there were people like him with the knowledge to assist us.  His reply … “it’s a privelege to be able to be a part of your process and to provide this assistance”.  I’m very happy with him.  I am very satisfied with his knowledge and experience.  He’s removing a little polyp for me on Monday morning.  I can’t wait to find out what his plan of attack is now that he understands more about how my body responds to the drugs. 

I’ll be asking him what he thinks about doing another stimulation again instead of using my two frozen embryos.  Unless he has a really good reason why I shouldn’t, I’m thinking that this may be what we’ll do next time.  If there was a really good reason, what could it be, I wonder?  I’m also going to ask him to tell me what he thinks about putting three embryos back next time.  Although, I think it may go against the clinic’s policy.

Yesterday my miracle didn’t come.  My HCG blood test level was only 2.  My husband rang me and I had a good cry on the phone.  He was such a darling when he told me.  I drank half a bottle of wine last night (my husband had the other half - well, OK I had more than he did).  Bad idea!  I have a hangover today AND I conveniently got my period/AF this morning to rub it in good and proper. 

My IVF specialist rang me later in the day to say he wanted to remove my polyp next week.  I guess I’ll be back in the swing of things pretty soon after that - he knows that I am seriously running out of time.  I’ve put my ‘big shoes’ on and so I am now pulling myself together and reassessing my options. 

QUESTION:  If you are able to help me make a decision, I’d be grateful.

We have two frozen embryos.  I’m thinking of asking my doctor to leave them frozen and stimulate me again asap.  I am 40 years old and I know my eggs are on their last legs.  The cycle I just had seemed to give me four good embryos out of six eggs.  I’d rather harvest my eggs whilst I still have them, keep trying with fresh embryos, and keeping growing my stash of frozen embryos.  I am 40. Once my eggs become too poor to use, if I am not pregnant, I can then start on the frozen embryos.  WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I am nearing the end of my two week wait.  I have about an hour to go I reckon.  They’ll call me soon.  This will be, of course, to confirm what five home pregnancy tests have already told me (and my husband does not know about a single one of them) - that I’m not pregnant.

The phone just rang and I didn’t answer it.  I hope they ring my husband at work.  I am a chicken and I am so sad.   And yet, I am still holding out for a miracle.

Crushed. 

Okay.  I am not pregnant.  I am due for my blood test tomorrow and just this morning my home pregnancy test (HPT) again showed that I am not pregnant.  It is about 13 days, or two weeks, since the embryos were transferred.  I’m expecting my period anytime soon.

You know, I think it is a good idea doing the home pregnancy test first.  I will actually be OK on the phone tomorrow when they tell me.  I doubt I will miraculously become pregnant between now and tomorrow morning.   I no longer feel insane.  I have some clear information (five pregnancy tests in four days) and so I have settled, even if the news isn’t what I wanted to hear.

I’ll post the official blood test outcome tomorrow but my next step is to seek out a new plan of attack from my IVF doctor.  I have no time to waste and I am keen to see how soon he will get me back in the system.  I am physically feeling fine.  Just beaten up mentally - but I’m ready for round two.

Okay, I have avoided writing this but it’s the truth.  I have not done anything for the last four days.  Nothing.  No work; nothing constructive.  Just simple tidying up around the house - about half an hour a day.  Otherwise, I have been watching TV and surfing the internet to either keep distracted or feed my compulsion for information.  Anything to make me feel better.  Any article or statistic that offers to improve my odds.

I bought a home pregnancy kit a few days ago.  It was one that contained two tests.  I used one this morning and it was negative.  I am considering redoing the test tomorrow and then buying another one and testing myself each day until the actual blood test.  I have read every article, blog and forum entry Google could muster on why it’s not a good idea to do this.  But there you go.  I caved.  It seems any information is better than none. 

A week ago I would have said that to do this was stupid.  Well, look what happens to you when you go through this.  The test I did of course means nothing.  So why did I do it?  I didn’t even admit it to my husband.

I finally had my shower today at 5:00pm - I spent the entire day in my pyjamas.

I know I will be shattered if the result of my blood test is negative in three days’ time. 

I spent about half an hour this afternoon flicking through a baby goods catalogue.  I picked out my pram, cot, bottles and even considered the nursery theme.  I even selected two of each outfit - one for each twin.  Of course I didn’t order them.  But it gets me thinking … am I turning into one of those women who steals babies?

I have become irrational and to top it all off I can’t have a nice relaxing glass (or three) of red wine.  That sucks.

I AM insane.

My mind has left my body and I am simply a walking shell … waiting until Monday.  My husband has been so understanding, I’m very lucky.

Three more days to go until I find out if I am pregnant.

I have finally found a detailed description of what happens to an embryo after it is inserted: http://humrep.oxfordjournals.org/cgi/reprint/13/8/2107.pdf 

Ah … I can now make myself a cup of relaxing decaf tea.  Hmmm … what am I supposed to worry about now?  Back to the old chromosomal abnormalities I suppose.  

I have found a very good blog for information about IVF and infertility: http://www.healthline.com/blogs/infertility/2006_11_01_infertility_archive.html  The entries in the archives answer some of our common questions in a little more detail. 

Mind you, I still don’t completely understand why the embryos don’t fall out before they embed, but in an effort to appear smarter than I am I shall continue to scour the internet for a satisfactory understanding.  It’s not that I don’t believe it - I just want to know ‘how’.   Maybe I am truly too bored and anxious.  My husband is out of town and now I am alone 24/7.  It’s quite nice usually - I love solitude.  However, it’s the last thing I need right now with my impending insanity.

I found a blog from Dr. Licciardi at http://infertilityblog.blogspot.com/2007_08_01_archive.html. He says:

“Can embryos fall out of the uterus through the cervix? Maybe they can. They do get up into the tubes. Pregnancies in the cervix are extremely rare, so I would think that the number of embryos traveling down the cervix would be pretty low. On the other hand, maybe the cervix is such a bad place for an embryo, it doest grow well there. Does this mean that some women have a leaky cervix explaining their repeated lack of pregnancy? It may. My feeling is that the cervix is made to block out bad things and keep in good things. The theory has been proposed before, it’s just such a tough thing to prove.”

Makes me feel a little better.

I’d recommend reading heaps of his blogs, a bit like a good book on IVF, if you have some spare time.  They describe patient situations, give further information about common and rarer problems, and explain the pros and cons for different treatments.

Blimey.  I can’t wait any longer

 … c’mon little ones, burrow down and snuggle in tight … it’s test day in one week and I need a nice strong positive result. 

I feel like I am  g o i n g   i n s a n e.

Time is moving so slowly.  I feel so lethargic.  I simply cannot concentrate on anything.  This is all starting to get to my husband.  Oh, he’s being very good about it but I’m sure his patience will wear out.  I need to shake myself out of this.  I just want it to be test day already. 

It is officially day six (or is it seven?).  About now the embryos are beginning to implant into the wall of my uterus.  Well, that’s what I hope they are doing (if they are good little kids!).  

Still 10 days to go until my pregnancy test.  I am so anxious.  I feel like I could easily start knawing on the couch if I’m not careful.

OK.  I got it.  There are actually detailed instructions that the nurse gave me (with the syringes) that I didn’t see until now.  The needle goes into your belly.  It is a little complicated to organise the ampoules and needles (unless you’ve done it a few times I bet).

I reckon I am the first person in history to snap the ampoule off at the wrong spot.  It didn’t snap the way it was supposed to - I had a couple of small fragments of glass on the table top.  Stupid.  How did I manage that?  I hope next time goes more smoothly.   My sharps container is full.  Chockers.  I still have one more injection.  I wonder if I can take them to my local chemist and ask if I can put them in their sharps bin.

Now, some women insert a gel with an applicator.  I asked the nurse why I get the two injections instead of the gel.  She said something like that it was probably because I didn’t respond as well as some women to the first lot of hormones - (you know how I didn’t grow all that many follicles?).  Anyway, it all went well.  It didn’t hurt. 

I have to take two more injections.  I give myself one today and then the other one in four days.  I was surprised when I read the instructions - this hormone is obtained from the urine of pregnant women.

I am a little confused.  The nurse said I should inject it into my stomach and the packet says it should be injected into a muscle.  I’m pretty sure the nurse will be right though.  I’ll ring the nurses again today to get a clear answer.  If it has to go into a muscle I’m not sure I can do that.

The nurse gave me the needles and syringes and the pharmacy gave me the ampoules.

There are two ampoules.  One has the drug in a powder form and the other is just saline.  You have to attach a long needle to the syringe, crack the ampoules open, suck up the saline, drop it into the powder (where it instantly dissolves), suck up the new mixture, change needles and then inject it.  However, this may not be right so when I ring them later today I’ll ask them to go through everything.

Wow!  I am so over the moon!  Four good-looking embryos!  The best two are for me today and the other two will be frozen for later.

I left home in such a tiz this morning.  I was all ready to leave but I couldn’t find my sunglasses.  It’s so sunny in Melbourne today that I had to wear them for the drive into the city.  Well, I ended up finding an old pair and shoved them on my face as I flew out the door.  When I got to East Melbourne I parked the car and grabbed my hairbrush out of my handbag to run it through my hair.  Oh excellent!  I found my sunglasses - they were on my head the whole time!

When I got to the clinic I was ushered to a special waiting room that I think is just for us gals receiving transfers.  Although there were a couple of men there so I’m not sure exactly.  My IVF doctor called me into a small room and I changed into a gorgeous floral gown, he he.  I hopped onto the bed and we began.  The procedure felt a lot like a pap smear, but it took longer.  In fact, I’ve had more painful pap smears!

The best part was when the ‘lady out the back’ (scientist?) put my two (beautiful looking) embryos up onto a small TV screen.  I got to see them right before they were inserted.  Then she sucked them up into a very thin, long flexible looking tube.  She passed the tube to my doctor and he put the embryos into my uterus.  Yay!  It took 5 minutes. 

Now.  Let me describe this to you.  There is a strong urge to just lay there.  You don’t want them to fall out!!  I almost had to peel myself off the bed.  You go to all this effort and then after they’ve been inserted you just stand up??!

Of course I had to bring it up.  My doctor explained it well: ”think of the drops of water left on your skin after you get out of the shower … they don’t go anywhere, they don’t run down - they stay as drops on your skin”.

Well, that’s what my two embryos are doing … I’m hoping they like it where they are!

I have a blood test on the 25th February to see if they decided to stick around.  Until then I’ll just think pregnant I guess.

The easy part.  Tomorrow I shall drive into the city and get the embryos put inside me.  Let’s keep our fingers crossed because at this point I have no idea what quality the eggs are and how many of them successfully fertilised. 

Will I have any embryos left over for freezing?  Will there be any that are good enough for transferring?  I suppose at least one has fertilised because otherwise they wouldn’t have contacted me with the time for my transfer.  Unless, they are just taking advantage of that appointment time to tell me face-to-face that it didn’t work?   Aaagh.  I’d better get off the couch!  My idle mind is creating all kinds of useless scenarios. 

This cycle has gone pretty well with hardly any side effects (so far?) so if I have to go through it again I won’t mind.

Most of today I felt no pain at all and I slept well last night. 

I say that and then I have to admit that I went grocery shopping in the afternoon.  I shouldn’t have.  I got home, took two panadol and ensconced myself on the couch.  My abdomen was sore. 

Now, I am not a chocolate eater.  I could count on one hand the amount of chocolate bars I’ve bought in the last five years.  But I bought myself a whole family block of fruit and nut when I was at Aldi this afternoon and I ate about four rows of it whilst I was on the couch!

I’ll let you know how the transfer goes  …

Alright.  I had my eggs collected and there were only six.  Yes, secretly I hoped for more than six but the real crux of the matter is the quality of the eggs and embryos, right?

Let me tell you what it was like.  I checked into the Day Procedure Centre at the Freemasons Hospital at 09:15am and I was in my gown by 10:15.  Prior to the procedure I spoke to the anaesthetist and my IVF specialist.  I made sure I confirmed the initials of my donor prior to the procedure (because we had changed our minds at one point).  I was lying on my bed in the operating room and I was introduced to the scientist who would be working on my eggs through a window.  The window was much like a servery window from a kitchen - sort of.  Anyway, it means that the eggs can be taken from me and passed immediately to the scientist through the window where she can work on them.  She told me that there were six follicles.  I said “Oh, I thought there were more than that”.  She said, oh yes, there were two small ones (but I could tell by her body language that they were too small).

Oh boy, at this I felt quite sad, and mentioned to the wonderful nurse that I might get a bit emotional.  She was so nice and blotted a couple of my tears with a tissue.  My anaesthetist was by now preparing my arm to sedate me.  He said so many nice things to make me feel better - he was even being funny!  These people are sooo lovely!

I soon felt the drug.  It started in the back of my throat and surged through my body.  After a few seconds I was off to sleep.  It seemed like the very next moment I was waking up, and feeling blissfully relaxed and calm.  Mmm-mm.

After half an hour or so I was eating raisin toast and drinking tea!  How civilised!  My IVF specialist came to see me and told me he got six eggs.  I was not surprised given that I had only six follicles so I was already over it and I was thinking positively again.  And he didn’t give me any evidence to be concerned at all.

Eventually, my husband was called in from the waiting room to help me get dressed and we left about half an hour later.  I think we were gone by about 12:30 or so.  I was given a couple of panadeine by one of the nurses.  I took two more panadol when I needed to because I was sore for the rest of the day.  I spent the rest of the day on the couch with my husband propping me up, getting me cups of tea and more toast.  Mmmm-mmm.  I felt very spoilt actually!

Oh such excitement!   I had no side effects today; I’ve been very lucky.  I just feel very protective of my belly and it feels a little weird - sort of delicate.  I like to keep it fairly still because when it moves too much it feels even weirder! … could be psychological!

We are off to the hospital first thing in the morning.  I’ll write in a day or two to let you know how I went and how many eggs I made!

Well, I did it! It was at 10:15pm last night, whilst I was watching Medium. My husband gets up early and so he’s usually in bed by 10:00pm. He even stayed up to support me (although he couldn’t look!). Well, it didn’t hurt … AT ALL. It didn’t sting or anything. The only difference I noticed between this injection and the other ones is that this one was harder to push through the skin. Like the needle wasn’t as sharp or something. Maybe it wasn’t as thin. I don’t know. But I had to try pushing it through twice because the first time I didn’t have enough pressure and the needle just kept pushing the skin down without penetrating it. All my injections go into my belly and you can’t exactly bounce a bowling ball off of it! Oh well, whatever … it worked just fine. Let me tell you about how the air bubble works. It actually stays in the syringe. It doesn’t go into you. You push the plunger all the way down (as far as it can go) but the plunger doesn’t go down far enough for the air bubble to exit the syringe. The air bubble just makes sure that all the fluid has gone. I haven’t had any side effects from this needle. In fact, apart from the headaches I haven’t really had any side effects at all. I didn’t sleep very well last night though. I stayed awake until about 01:30am. Couldn’t sleep. Watched an episode of Law and Order and most of a Jerry Springer show - my God! That show is so trashy. A good friend calls me an egg factory. My little egg factory is changing gears now! We’ve gone from R&D, through analysing operations and improving performance to quality control. We’ll soon be supplying the product

OK … it’s started!

A nurse rang me at 02:10pm today to tell me when I was going into hospital.  I was just about to ring her but she saved me the trouble.  I am really anxious and excited.  I am to go to hospital and have my eggs picked up on Saturday morning.  Therefore, I have to give myself the special little trigger injection at 10:15 tonight.  I actually rang her back to check about how to give myself this injection - as it is different to the others so far - but I was apparently right on the money. 

I am already nervous even though it is not until 10:00pm tonight. This injection will tell my ovaries to release all the eggs they’ve been growing.  I don’t know if I’ll be able to sleep afterwards.  The nurse did tell me that this injection stings a little more than the Gonal injections (which really don’t hurt at all).  I’ll update this blog tomorrow morning and let you know how it went.

OK - I am waiting patiently for the announcement of when my ‘trigger’ injection will be.  Then, they will be able to collect my eggs.  I wonder how many eggs I have?!  Such excitement!  I wish I was working right now - time would surely fly faster. 

Today I did a stupid thing. 

I forgot to prepare my injection properly before I jabbed myself.  I stuck it in me only to realise that I hadn’t set the dosage dial or pulled out the injection button.

Ew.  I had to pull it out of me and then do it again.  I guess I saw it coming - I nearly made this mistake so many times already.  Silly me.

I’m wondering about my sperm donor.  He must have been advised by now that we have selected him.  He also gets to read our profiles (I think).  I remember filling out a sheet that asked us what message we would like to give to our donor.  I hope he has a warm feeling inside and that he has a sense of how grateful we are.

Uggh.  The headaches are now just continual and paracetemol does nothing anymore.  My head hurts, my eyes hurt, my teeth, neck and shoulders hurt.  Apparently it’s the nasal spray but I’ll have to confirm.

I am so tense I could almost KILL for half a bottle of good red wine and a lovely dinner!  Alas, but not for some time.  I’ll either be drinking a full bottle in about three weeks (to commiserate if all does not go well), or I’ll be having something at sometime in about a year.  Let’s hope it is definitely the latter!  I’m just kidding about the full bottle of wine.  … no I’m not.

I seem to be losing my appetite.  I have to push myself to eat.  I’ve never been a big eater but I could easily go for a day and not miss food if I allowed myself to.  I’m not nauseous.  Nothing seems to attract me enough to eat it right now.

However!!!  I am still so excited about my good scan today with my healthy follicles!!  Let me go and make myself a nice cup of decaf tea to celebrate!

So much anxiety!  I was so excited to go to the doctor today that I forgot to take my nose spray before I left home.  Not to worry.  I took it when I got home, I was only an hour late.

He could see 8 follicles and then he found … a polyp. 

Hmmm … one of those little buggers again.  I had one of those about two years ago.  It was pretty simple to remove it.  He didn’t seem too phased by it although he was surprised it had not been detected on either of the two previous scans.

He said he’d put one embryo back for me.  I asked him if he could put two.  He said  “alright then”.  I was surprised he didn’t suggest two straight away.  Of course, I like to kid myself that this is because he forgot that I am 40 years old, because he thinks I only look 35, he he.  I could get all paranoid and think that he suggested only one because that’s all he figures I’ll get …

I figure two embryos is a good number.  I’d personally like three to go back in but I think it goes against the law/policy.  If I have twins it’ll be fine by us.  Having two embryos going back in will effectively double my chances.  As we said good-bye he said everything looked very good.

It seems my little eggs still need a bit more time to mature.  I will now continue to take the Synarel nose spray twice daily and the Gonal injections daily until Thursday.  I’ll ring the clinic after 2:00pm on Thursday and they’ll advise me of whether I am to have my egg pickup on Saturday or Monday.

After each visit to the doctor, I then walk down the corridor to the nurses; they are very knowledgeable.  Today the nurse explained to me that after you give yourself the ‘trigger’ injection (it’s in my fridge) you wait for a couple of days or so and then there will only be a three hour window during which the eggs must be retrieved by the doctor.   This injection is Ovidrel and is completely different from the other injections I’ve been taking.  It looks like a proper syringe and there is a fair-sized amount of air in this syringe (well, an amount the size of a pea).  I am supposed to inject all the fluid and then the air will follow.  The air will form a ‘plug’ after the fluid goes in to make sure it stays where it is is supposed to, or doesn’t come back out, or something (I am still not quite sure what she means).   “Fine”, I said, “I can do that”.  She was a very nice nurse - she said I looked like a famous actor from overseas.  Oh, these lovely people - they really know the right things to say he he.